The List of Things That Scare Shawn Kemp

A couple of years back, me and my fellow Torn ACL associate were enamored with the hilarity that is Shawn Kemp's life. To most his life his sad and tragic but personally I couldn't care about a guy who cost me my first ever sports bet (should have won that dunk contest you jerk, cost me $1). One day it just snowballed into a hilarious list of 110 items (and counting) of items that terrified Mr. Kemp to his core. Bare witness.

1. Halogen light bulbs
2. mowed grass
3. throw pillows
4. people named Gerald
5. salt shakers
6. circus peanuts
7. fake vomit
8. Fonzie
9. cardboard tubes
10. salmon
11. diarrhea
12. table cloths
13. cassette players
14. retards
15. electricity
16. numbers that end in the letter "Y"
17. penis pumps
18. afros
19. genital herpes
20. the word "Jew"
21. street performers
22. Stuart Scott
23. the entire state of Nebraska
24. seafood restaurants
25. lists of things that scare Shawn Kemp
26. roadkill
27. running water
28. ninjas
29. bottle caps
30. sporks
31. people named Shawn
32. people with the last name Kemp
33. freezer bags
34. Rocky II
35. the TV character AC Slater
36. phones
37. doorknobs
38. round things
39. yule logs
40. gas masks
41. Chris Tucker
42. dirty pants
43. gay gerbils
44. The Ultimate Warrior
45. hairnets
46. goats
47. mufflers
48. former President Woodrow Wilson
49. crickets
50. french fries
51. Charlton Heston movies
52. cock rings
53. Jehovah's Witnesses
54. confetti
55. orangutan urine
56. laser beams
57. Star Wars
58. golf carts
59. milk
60. the word "clams"
61. air
62. wood
63. fire
64. inflatable cheese
65. Marky Mark
66. the Space Needle
67. secretaries
68. fireplaces
69. amusement parks
70. Ben Freemer's man boobs
71. Russians
72. people whose name rhymes with "Jay"
73. Wendy's drive-thru
74. grundle hair
75. acorns
76. buildings with over 7 floors
77. buttons
78. ear plugs
79. Sean Elliott
80. scotch tape
81. sombreros
82. ice cubes
83. Double Dragon
84. fishing poles
85. Gary Payton's rectum
86. Columbus Day
87. leaves
88. Santa
89. lampshades
90. zuchini
91. Bel Biv Devoe
92. radiation
93. people who look like a "Dave"
94. Fridays
95. armpits
96. lawn chairs
97. Shakespearean actors
98. street lights
99. Australia
100. Denny's employees
101. tornadoes
102. movies about tornadoes
103. leprechauns
104. wooden nickels
105. fake blood
106. paint thinner
107. yo-yos
108. Clarence Weatherspoon
109. rugs
110. chocolate bunnies

And that is pretty comprehensive...oh wait silly me, I almost forgot

111. child support

ESPN buries the corpse of professional boxing.

For the two of you that watches boxing in this country, this weekend served as a true measure of history. Heavyweight champion Vitali Klistchko became the first man ever to defend his heavyweight title live on ESPN. By all means, this should be a historic mark for boxing fans, since after all, it would be a major match in millions of homes and would get Klitschko the recognition that he needs to be a major star presumably. 

Except it didn't quite work out that way.

The telecast ran at 5 PM Central, and was bucked off from airing on ESPN because of SportsCenter, which must never be interrupted, and because of the College Wrestling finals, which no doubt is a high ratings draw. ESPN single-handedly said that a championship boxing fight is not even on the same level as amateur wrestling, and a final is sort of like the championship bout of the sport.

Add to that burial the fact that the link to the fight's result (which, surprise, Klitschko won) was further buried within three pages of stories and the headline for the story read "Sleep Inducing." They justified it by bringing up Vitali's punching power, but even then, such a headline's existence that reminds people of the relic this sport has become is outright stupid. Not to mention that I discussed this with this site's own Endless Mike, who merely watched highlights and discerned that the fight itself was horrible.

I can't imagine what the rating for this would be, because the show ran on an hour's tape delay on ESPN 2, which really isn't a step up all things considered. It won't be anywhere near a 1.0 mark, though, and I'd imagine that the goal of building Vitali Klistchko's small appeal failed miserably.

Unless this Floyd Mayweather comes back to kick some ass and be awesome, I suspect that we're in line for HBO and Showtime to try their damndest and fail to revive the body of a once proud sport that continues to have a niche that's as loyal as wrestling fans but also smaller and smaller in number by the day.

A spiel on Wrestlemania.

Have you been watching Monday Night Raw, ECW, TNA Impact or Smackdown lately? There's a probably not somewhere, and it's not impossible to see why. The product's shit right now. I hate harping on the obvious smark excuses about the good old days of the Attitude Era where wrestling characters slept with their storyline mothers and hands were being born. But it's committed the worst sin that the art of men doing choreographed fighting can do, which is to be unbearably boring.

Monday's Raw program started off the week's downward slide of disinterest, by managing in two hours to suck up all the excitement for the WWE's largest event of the year. The Triple H/Orton confrontation was cemented by Triple H beating up on Cody Rhodes in a cage for whatever reason. The John Cena/Big Show/Edge storyline has erupted into a silly soap-operatic storyline where two heels are fighting for the love of another heel, while Cena's merely there to do a wacky expression, so there's an all around dislike there. Rey Mysterio Jr. is fighting for a midcard title, that sells nothing. The Money in the Bank sells nothing. The Undertaker/Shawn Michaels story sells slightly more than nothing, but this whole angling business is so unnecessary. Taker getting angry over Shawn taking his pin is downright stupid. Why the hell does the Undertaker care? And more importantly, other than Shawn kicking him in the face, how has this 15 minute segment (which applies to the former two storylines as well) helped sell pay-per-views? 

Wrestling's entire optimum goal is to sell the product to sell pay-per-views to then make the money off of them. In 2009, WWE has shown a complete failure in attempting to sell their own product as worthy of spending money on. The Royal Rumble was sold on the mere draw of the Rumble, and it's come in abysmally low. No Way Out had such a poor build to its matches, that the pre-show merely replayed a Smackdown match rather than a big video package, and the Chambers can't possibly be increased in buyrate over last year. And Wrestlemania has all but destroyed its build, almost forcing its audience to order because "it's Wrestlemania", which does not work these days.

Without getting into the whole detailed explanation, Wrestlemania will do lower than expected buys because in this post-"in this economy" world, people can't be sold on brands. They have to feel it is a life or death thing that they are missing, or that the concept is so unique, that it's worth spending money on. This isn't even a sole problem with wrestling, as sports in general can't sell themselves on their brand any more, with the exception of the NFL or the pure uniqueness of the NCAA tournament, which even isn't nearly as fun after about the third round.

Yet for three consecutive pay-per-views, World Wrestling Entertainment has told their audience that they should buy their pay-per-views merely by their name, and not because the fans are to expect something out of it. There have been all of ten matches total combined on the last two PPVs run by WWE, which even if one of them was the beloved Royal Rumble and the other two were fine Elimination Chamber matches, you have to sell a loaded card to the customer. WWE learned this the hard way through the terrible December 2 Dismember show merely having two matches announced. Five matches total on a three-hour show isn't much better. And neither is the lax build that's become constant at Titan Towers.